To think about

To think about

The name of the blog

"It was never just an affair" needs to be in quotations, because it was something my ex-husband said to me early on in the break-up. I guess he thought it might make me feel better to know it wasn't just a fling per say, it was real love? It didn't make me feel better. Him ending the affair and being willing to work on the marriage would have made me feel better.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

This is just an angry rant

I have been working on my next post, and have it written and ready for editing, but today my son told me something that has given me such grief and anger that I have a headache and feel sick to my stomach. And since this is a safe place in that my son does not read my blog, and my ex-husband doesn't know about it as far as I know, I will use this forum to vent and try to work through my feelings. My son told me today that he saw his Dad this past week for his birthday, and that his Dad is looking awful. He is skinny, has gone completely grey, is balding, and his hair is a mess. This visual description of how my ex has let himself go saddens me, but that is not the source of my anger. My son prefaced the inflammatory action of my ex-husband with the sage comment that my ex has lost his mind, or is going crazy, something to that extent. My son told me that my ex asked him if he wanted to meet his girlfriend. My son said he was stunned into silence and couldn't say what he was thinking, so he just said no. That is what I am raging about. Why on earth would my ex-husband have so little compassion for what he has done to our family that he would think our son would want to meet the whore he was cheating on me with? Just because my ex seems to think that his actions were justified because he is in love with her doesn't make it a nice pill for anyone else to swallow.

And why on earth would she, who has her own family including two young children, want to meet the son of the woman whose husband she stole? From all accounts by people who know her and my own husband, she is not a very good mother, or a very involved loving mother. She appears to have had the children for her husbands sake. Is she wondering if my son would be willing to even meet her? Is it curiosity on her part? Or is she just trying to upset me? And if the latter is her game, why is my husband playing into it? Probably because she can do no wrong in his eyes, so he doesn't see it as a game or way to upset me. Does she even want to meet my son, or is this my ex-husbands delusional idea? The man-child is my son; my ex-husband has helped me raise him for 12 years, so yes, I also consider Marcus to be my ex's son, but he is not a biological child. And Stephanie is only 9 years older than our son. How would that conversation go? Hi, nice to meet you, I had an affair with your Dad and stole him away from your Mom and I think I will make a great step-mother to you, part-time when I am not with my own family, even though you're 23 and don't need another mother? I cannot even imagine what my ex was thinking when he asked such an outrageous question; all I can come up with is that he isn't thinking at all.

And oh dear god, if they were to meet, how awkward would that be? I wouldn't want to be there for the life of me, yet my ex thinks this is a good idea? 

I really think based on the conversations I have had with my ex-husband, the emails I have seen between him and Stephanie, his actions, and what I have heard about him from others since our split, he has had a serious break with reality. Is he checking himself with other people? I know in times of stress and/or grief, people don't think straight. When I am thinking on something serious, I talk to my girlfriends. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't dare propose such an emotionally charged idea without running it by, not just one, but several friends. And I am willing to bet that every single one of my friends would tell me to give my head a shake. Where are my husbands friends at a time like this? Even if he doesn't talk to them about his personal life and how he wants to integrate the two main people he has left in his life, his physical appearance is noticeable to all. Does no one have the guts to tell him he looks like hell and ask him what is going on? Does my ex not look in the mirror and see the very physical costs he is paying to be with this woman, even if he is in complete denial about the emotional costs? What is her role in this? Could she really be getting a kick out of watching someone she supposedly loves unravel knowing she is part of the reason? Does my husband have any counsel left at all, or is that crazy psychopath he left me for his only confidant? If she and her husband are the only friends my ex has left, that would certainly explain why he is making such terrible decisions. Stephanie has proven time and again to lack empathy for other people, be socially awkward, and be highly manipulative, none of which my ex-husband can see. And I believe her husband is much the same. 

It is incredibly frustrating for me to see someone as high-functioning and caring as my husband completely unravel like this. Or, is his appearance a game of deceit when he sees our son? My son had told me previously that his Dad never seems happy when he sees him. I told my friend that, and she responded with, of course not, how could he be happy? He needs to present shame and remorse when he sees his son whether he feels it or not. 

This latest situation breaks me heart to some degree under my anger. Is my husband so desperate for some validation from someone that he has made the correct life decision in walking away from his marriage and family for a part-time relationship with a married family woman that he would seek it from our son? And if so, why would he think that this young adult would be the person who would offer it? Despite my encouragement, my son has not told his Dad what he thinks of his behaviour. He says it will come up one day, but I know he has anger towards him, and rightly so. And I want to protect my son from this garbage, so I say as little as possible about the break-up, stay as neutral as possible, and have spared him the gory details of the open marriage aspect of the new relationship his Dad is engaging in. The mothers instinct kicked in today, and I want to email my ex and his home wrecking girlfriend and tell them both to stay the hell away from my son. I don't want my son being contaminated with their poisonous views on love, sex, marriage and commitment. Instead, I bit my tongue, and told my son I don't want him to meet her because she is not a very nice person. And again, he made me smile with his answer: "no, she can't be a very nice person given what she has done." 

I want to email them both and tell them to leave me alone, and leave my family alone. My son and the friends that are left are all I have. She has taken enough from me, she needs to leave me my son. She has no right to him, and neither does my ex-husband as far as I am concerned. He walked away from his family, discarded it for another. I know my son is an adult and will make his own decisions in time about what type of a relationship he wants with his Dad, if any, and the strong me won't interfere with that, but the afraid me wants to tell her to go to hell and let us be. I already had to share my husband with her; I don't want  to share my son too. 

I also want to email my ex-husband and ask him how much of himself he is going to sacrifice for this woman before he decides enough is enough? Is he going to let her kill him in the name of love? I want to ask him what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I want to ask him if he is looking after himself. I do worry when I hear reports of how he seems to be letting himself go. I worry sometimes about how much he is drinking. And I wish I could stop caring, because he doesn't seem to care for me or worry about me at all. I won't email him, partly because I checked myself with a girlfriend who responded to my angry text with: "Silence creates his self doubt and awareness whilst showcasing your strength … rage and nagging commentary intensifies his bad behaviour". My other girlfriend called and confirmed he is not thinking at all. The other reason I won't email him is that I have already expressed my concerns to him about the cost of this love affair on him emotionally. So what more could I say? He is incapable of hearing me, thinking I speak only with the mouth of a jilted ex, rather than from a place of true care and concern. I have nothing new to say to him. And like every other person walking this planet, he needs to be free to make his own choices, and reap those rewards, or suffer those consequences. That is no consolation when someone you care about is suffering though. I guess I am practising tough love. When someone you care about is in the throws of addiction, the time comes when you have to stop bailing them out of trouble, or pushing them towards rehab, and you simply say, if this is your choice, I love you too much to watch you choose to suffer. I will be here for you when you are ready to heal and sober up.     

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